Shallow Man's Guide to the 2008 Republican Presidential Candidates
Presenting TheMishMash.com's SHALLOW MAN'S GUIDE TO THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES!
We begin with the Republicans; next week it's the Democrats.
Thompson's a former actor with a smoking-hot wife. Loved him in Die Hard 2. Played a lot of governmental-ish roles so obviously has the experience to be president. May have been a lawyer or a senator once? Fancies himself just a good 'ole boy from Tennessee but was 'caught with his pants down' when seen at the Iowa State Fair in Gucci loafers.
2. John McCain
A real pistol. Was a POW in Vietnam. Held at the Hanoi Hilton for several years. Tortured and beat. Regularly referred to his captors as gooks--can you really blame him?--but took quite a bit of heat for it. Has an adopted daughter from Bangladesh so is racially very cool. Tough as nails, no-bullshit kind of guy, who may not know though when to stop talking.
3. Ron Paul
Dorky-looking fellow. The new ‘grass roots’ candidate. Not sure what that means except that everyone knows he doesn’t stand a chance but no one will say it. Probably has good ideas; not sure what they are, though.
Former mayor of New York City. Has been known to, in fun, dress in drag, which makes the conservatives nervous. Not a loony, socially far-right Republican. Real tough-on-crime. Crime rate in New York City during Giuliani's tenure went way down but he broke a full skulls to do it. Actually he didn't, his police department did, at one point breaking off a broomstick in Abner Louima's ass. A real woman’s man; married three times. Fancies himself a ball-buster: if you thought Bush wanted to give the Muslims a beat-down, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Who?
6. Mitt Romney
Appears to be a life-sized Ken doll. Made big bucks in business before getting involved in politics. Mormon but has only one wife. Though a Republican was elected governor of Massachusetts so must have something going for him. Not a real animal lover: strapped the family dog Seamus in a dog carrier to the roof of the family station wagon for the twelve hour trip from Boston to Ontario. Seamus wasn’t too happy: the dog "developed gastrointestinal distress, which made itself manifest in a plume of brown liquid leaching down over the back window." His wife's not a show-stopper but his daughter-in-laws are phat. PH-fat.
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