12 Action Figures for the Deviate Who Has Everything

1. Parents, for the budding serial-killer in your brood, it's 'My Little Victims' and features 'realistic dismemberment action.'

2. In tribute to legendary tenor and 'Killer Queen,' it's the Freddie Mercury action figure. (Gay bathhouse sold separately.)

3. An art aficionado must-have,the Van Gogh figurine comes complete with paint pallet, easel and ear bandage.

4. A favorite sure to bring back all those painful, childhood school cafeteria memories: Think tuna melt, green Jello, canned corn, Tater Tots and, of course, absorbent vomit-clean-up granules. Stroll down memory lane with the Lunch Lady!

5. The Marie Antoinette action figure is sure to be a crowd-pleaser with its 'ejector head action.'

6. Who needs a life-sized blow-up doll? The Jenna Jameson action figure is portable, inconspicuous and includes "state of the art laser scanning and removable costumes [which] combine to reveal the most intimate details."

7. For the more spiritual-minded, we recommend the 'Deluxe Miracle Jesus' with 'glow-in-the-dark-hands.' It feeds 5000 and includes 5 loaves and 2 fish. Go, Jesus!

8. Who buys this crap?

9. A Herobuilders.com action figure, the Britney Spears 'Oops She Did It Again' model features "the Britney shot seen around the world..."

10. Our favorite is Barfin' Ben, one of the StinkBlasters. His hobbies include "doing the 'technicolor yawn,' praying to the porcelain god...[and] going to the all-you-can-eat buffet and making 'art.'" Also available, and we're not joking, are Silent Gasser, Toe Jam Jimmy and Cow Pie Pete.

11. For the closet sadist, it's "Dead Saddam, [which] comes with [the] t-shirt dope on a rope and urban camo pants, and rope."

12. Here's one that's right up our alley, it's Mr. 'Obsessive Compulsive.' "As soon as he finishes counting those ceiling tiles, he can get started on alphabetizing the canned foods..."

Comments

[anon]

I'd actually be happy to get that Freddie Mercury action figure...

[Georgia]

1. I have to say I would love the Freddie Mercury doll.
2. Why do you have to assume that because he was gay, he visited bathhouses.